Recover the Lost Knowledge
This phenomenon is not only happening in the US, but gaining ground in Romania also. Every 3rd woman with higher education in Europe and America cannot find a life partner. ‘The career woman’ is interested in her career first, and men last. Honestly speaking, men should wait in line for women like these: young, educated, good looking, and would like to spend time with an intelligent partner. Instead, these women live alone because there aren’t men suitable enough for them. For men though, it’s the opposite: they look for a less intelligent woman, not too educated, but submissive and a good homemaker. It’s not important to discuss philosophy in the kitchen, just to serve good food, right? It’s more complicated for women, who want a man at least equal to them. It is a growing problem since women become more and more educated than guys these days (sorry guys, the studies said that).
The bad part about this is that women who want to become financially and profesionally stable do not have enough time for a family like the other women do (which can only mean that men need to do their half when it comes to helping around - that would be the day!) Plus, we live in a society that puts more and more value on money, therefore women like us have to step up. That is why ‘the career woman’ would probably have a family around 35. It sounds cruel to me - I would definitely not want to have a child when I’m that age, but don’t have much of a choice. I chose a career and education way before thinking of a family, and I plan to stick to it.
The other problem that arises is the very limited pool of men who would want a partner like me, or any other woman with the same interests as mine, for that matter. We have high standards, it’s true, but it’s with reason. We know we won’t find guys that have it all, but we are always looking for the one that has the most of those traits. We are looking for at least our equal, if not better. On the other side, men feel their macho-ness is being attacked, and they can’t stand that. They hate feeling inferior to women, therefore would always choose an intellectually inferior woman…although, I’m sure that deep down they would love to be with the other type. By choosing the more inferior partner, a man has the security she would be submissive to his will because she depends on him. Men love to be depended on. Grow up! Or should I say ‘EVOLVE!’ The Stone-Age is gone! Women can handle anything now, and can make a good living by themselves. I would recommend: if you don’t want to feel inferior, work as hard as we do to become equals, and everyone would be happy then. If not…you know what, in this modern society women won’t have any problems making a living by themselves rather than being with some ‘babosos.’
Sorry guys - you need to step up to the plate!
Petrov
April 16th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
A couple points…
1) Stone Age was what, 10,000 to 30,000 years ago? Not long enough for evolution. Give it a few million and men will be different.
2) Education does not make a mate superior (a pompous @ss perhaps, but not superior). Men are attracted to women they can please. If career women are hard to please, no mate for you. There are career women who are easy to please and they are the ones who get married. Talk to them if you need some pointers.
3) The whole career thing starts to lose it’s luster after about ten years or so. Ten years will fly by too. Seems long… it isn’t.
4) The odds of birth defects go up as your eggs age. If you think you want a family, do it when your young. If things don’t work out, you’ll still have your children (which you will absolutely fall in love with… trust me).
5) Once the kids are old enough, go back to work.
Best to do it this way than wake up when you’re 40 and realize you forgot to have kids. Kids are wayyyyyyyy better than a career.
If you don’t like/want kids. Then don’t get married. Little point to it if you don’t want a family these days.
Just a 40 something’s opinion.
Aleera
April 17th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Getting back to your points:
1- sounds good, yet sad
2- Well, men are attracted to women who stay at home, make babies, cook and clean (the easy ones- we don’t want any complications, do we? So you are partly right: men cannot please more complicated women; for them to understand, you got to keep it simple). Education…well, does a make a brain more superior than other (believe it or not). There are indeed career women that marry, but like I said, that tends to come later than the usual (also depends how lucky one is to find a fit ‘mate’).
3- It does, but by the time those 10 yrs pass, one is already in a career, therefore…aahh, same point.
4- And one wonders why divorce rates in America are exorbitant. Sorry, I won’t get married just because…and later divorce…and give ‘the priviledge’ of growing without a father to my kids. (Too American for me).
5- Once my kids grow up, go back to work. Sure! Making a career when you’re 40 is not as easy as when you’re 25. By the time you’re 40, you should gather the ‘fruits’ of your work, not start growing your ‘plants.’ Kids are better than a career…but when you have those kids, you have to realize that you are their role model (no wonder there are so many young screwed up drug addicts). I don’t want to raise my daughter with no education, goals, morals or values, so that she can go later on marry some guy just for having some kids and a boring life shopping all day (like 80% of women do here). Such a miserable life, with no purpose…In short, to be a mom you have to be a ‘complete’ person for both your kids/family and yourself, otherwise your kids will become as messed up as ‘the house’ they grow up in. There’s a Romanian saying ‘Toate la timpul lor’ (’Everything at its own time’) - you just have to be smart enough to know each one’s time and place. There are women who can do it all, but I’m sure they share half their tasks with their husbands…that’s why we look for quality men…’cuz with one that sounds like you…no wonder a woman can’t make it…it’s your goal anyway, right? Hey, you said it at no. 1 there - you have a lot of evolving to do still.
Petrov
April 17th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Just to keep things clear, I’ll continue to use numbers…
1) A million years is a long time for you to wait for the perfect guy. The really smart women are snagging their men now, while they’re young. Don’t ask me what their secret is… I don’t know.
2) Career women do get married later, I can’t argue with you there. It’s *still* better, genetically, to have kids when your eggs are younger. After 25 years of age, things start to go downhill and at 40 it gets bad *fast*.
3) I’ve been in my career for 20 years now. The cynicism really takes hold at this age. My wife gave up her career. Too many hours, no real friends. She was ready for a change. We were lucky… our two boys came out ok.
4) As I’m sure you are aware, 50% of marriages end in divorce and well over 70% of those are initiated by unhappy women. Men don’t usually get the kids so it’s only a few times a month they’ll be able to see their dad. I decided to suck it up and take a chance anyway. Being a dad rocks! However, a lot of men seem to be less enthusiastic about marriage these days (based on the articles I’ve read recently).
5) Starting a career at 40 is easier than making kids at 40. That was the only point I was trying to make. Both are difficult, but if I had to weigh the risks of having a less than stellar career in my 40’s or having a little baby with down syndrome. Personally, I’d take my chances with a cruddy career.
Anyway… I wish you luck in your search. It’s not easy, that I know. I’ve been through a couple train wrecks myself.
…oh and for the record, I’m an Electrical Engineer.
dariana
April 17th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Hey, Petrov, thanks for these pertinent opinions. I will not deny you do have your points, because you have the advantage of having a certain age. What I am going to say is that I understand Aleera’s points as well. Let none of us get mesmerized by the ideal way in which these things (marriage, relationship, kids, education, career etc) should happen and let us focus on the MOMENT and circumstances these things happen to each of us. I’m not going to start with “Oh, you think the old way” because it would be a stupid thing to say.
I know Aleera and she’s a convinced feminist and nothing could ever make her think otherwise. I also know she has loved, maybe she still does, but I shall give her credit when she speaks about career first, I repeat myself, in her situation. Because, Petrov, when there’s no other way, you must do it your way. A woman in a foreign country. I will never imagine you think it would be better for her to get married, have children and ask for her husband’s permission to do anything a career woman is able to do.
And even if there’s no reason like a woman in a foreign country…it doesn’t matter. I don’t know if you understand things like personal pride, fulfillment, dreams connected to a woman. Also, I may not express myself in a very comprehensive way either… I’m not saying a woman cannot be happy if she gets married first, has children, then goes for professional fulfillment, because I have good examples. But when there’s no other way, there is this way.
There are more types of men as there are more types of women. It takes time for an individual to find a matching pair in the opposite group. You speak with the wisdom of a grown up man, probably accomplished from all points of view. Would you believe if I said I often laugh when I talk to a man under 30 because I myself become ashamed of his inability to sustain a conversation or to talk about more serious things?
Petrov
April 17th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
It wouldn’t suprise me if you’ve laughed at men under 30 because they can’t carry on a conversation. Men mature more slowly than women. When it comes to language, in general, women seem to be more advanced. I know my oldest boy is way behind. Fortunately, he has been accepted in an early school program to help him learn.
I wasn’t trying to tell career women that they have to change. I was just warning that time flies by fast and that sometimes careers aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Biology is stacked against women. It’s not fair, but that’s they way it is. It’s going to take millions of years to change that.
People are living much longer now. At the turn of the twentieth century, life expectancy in the United States was, on average, about 45 years. At the turn of the twenty-first century, it was 78 years. That’s far too short a time for evolution to change when a women can have a baby.
It’s a tough situation to be in. The basic gist of Aleera’s initial blog was that men need to adapt. I’m saying that it would be in your best interest to assume that won’t happen. It would really suck if you figure that out when you’re in your 40’s (assuming you want a family). If you want to stay single and focus on your career then things are looking up.
dariana
April 17th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Yes, ok, I agree to your points. Just a few things though: since when the responsibility of having/raising a baby only crashes upon females? And since when the impression that men stay in line for women, but it is the women who don’t want to have babies so early or to marry so early? The same thing happens on the other side too, you’ll have to agree.
Nonetheless, I have got your points. Thing is adaptation should appear both in women and in men.
Another thing…my point with men growing mature a little bit late. I will not marry one who thinks like a child for example. And he’s 28. And I’ve waited 7 years for him to leave mommy and think like a grown up. Am I to blame for abandoning that type of dream and look after my career now?
Fiona
April 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I kinda have the same feeling that women tend to forget about their real purpose in life, that is giving birth to babies. I don’t want it to sound like “You’re a woman, you’re not allowed to do that, you should stay home” and so on, but I have many friends who are way over 30 and are quite alone and do not enjoy it. Career women…I’ve seen women who can handle both family and career just fine.
Bianca
April 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Yeah, but If I have a special personality (at least that’s what they call it…men) and do not accept any stupid things or I tend to have opinions which are contrary to theirs…what? I cannot oblige any man to stay besides me if he’s not ready to accept me as I am. And I will not compromise either. What then?
Aleera
April 17th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Where the heck do I start? So…
1-Besides implying that I’m not a very smart woman, you believe I’m waiting for the ‘perfect’ guy. Ay! If I were to do that, I would be able to see pigs flying by now. Anywho, ’snagging’ a man now that’s another problem…like Dari said, I don’t plan on marrying a baby…and the older ones (that have smth in their head) are mostly already taken…but I still have hope they’re not. I’m just starting to get out there (I’m at the beginning of my career), so I have time…and no, I don’t really care about the time constraint - I’m still young.
2- In our days, there are a lot of opportunities to have a baby if someone wants one indeed. But there’s no way I’m gonna have a kid just because it’s time to have one…that is a BIG resposibility…that most people don’t think about when they ‘pop’ one out.
3-I think it depends on how bad you want and worked for the career you want. I, for example, went through too much shit to give it up that easy…and I don’t expect anyone to understand…I’m not the kind that changes their mind either. And if a woman has the level of ambition I do, I am sure she’ll be fine in jogling a career and a family.
4- I’m sure being a dad rocks…it’s not like you have to stay at home and raise them while dismissing the purpose you wanted to have in life besides the kids. Which leads me to Fiona’s comment - what the hell? Women’s real purpose is having babies…and that’s it? What’s the men’s purpose then? Donate sperm? Aww, what a happy world! Wake up! U’re living in another world, dear.
5- Starting a career at 40. Let’s see…u’r 40, u’ve stayed home w/ the kids for what, 20 yrs…now, u’re trying to get back in business. What world are you living in? No one is going to hire u at 40, w/ no experience while the kids my age today not only that have a higher degree but also some experience and a ‘fresh’ brain and new ‘powers.’ Now, if you were a CEO who the fuck would you hire in this competitive business world? Hmmm, I would pick…aah…guess?!
Now, going back to the pool of men available…what’s a smart woman to do? On one side you have the younger (my age) ones that cannot spell their own name, on the other you have the older ones that are probably already taken (and not only that, but you have to assume they’re definitely not in sync with your energy and taste of life). Holy crap! We’re screwed! Oh well…what’s new?!
I’ll let you know if I have further comments.
Aleera
April 17th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Bianca, that’s the cool part of being able to dictate yourself - you don’t have to put up with any crap. And of course you’ll have conflict of opinions, remember - you think at different levels. We are able to compromise on some things, but there are some that we put great accent on therefore we can’t compromise on them…and you shouldn’t have to. Isn’t that refreshing? Don’t worry, guys will always say we’re ’special’ (in their own way of thinking)…all you have to reply is with the list of why he’s ’special’ (the bad part is that they don’t realize anything you’re saying anyway…hard-headed!). Go on to the next one. If it’s okay for guys to sleep around and not be called ’sluts’…well, it’s okay for you too.
Petrov
April 17th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Aleera, didn’t mean to imply you aren’t a smart women. I meant, if you’re having a hard time figuring out where to look for a man… the type of man that interests you, talk to another women you respect and get advice.
Aleera
April 18th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Ohh, 10x. It’s never been the issue of where to look for men, dear…they are everywhere…it’s about choosing one that is worth my time. So far, not good. As to the other advice, well…I think I reached a certain level of intelligence and maturity as to observe (don’t have to talk to) what the other women are doing in order to get the guys…and believe me, I don’t feel like lowering myself to that point…plus, like I said, it’s also about luck. Just as a note, besides my mom, grandma, and aunt (who are older and married), all the other women I respect are still single…that goes to show…well, you can imagine…(not to get confuzed, it means that good, down to earth guys are very hard to find).